Call this the diary of a late bloomer. I got my period late, developed breasts late, lost my virginity la—actually, I might have been a bit early on that one. I took a long time to get engaged, to get married and to come around to the idea of having children. For a long time, I thought I didn’t want any. I changed my mind. But by that time, my body had gone to seed, like a stalk of dill, or parsley. Yellowed. Spent. So at 45, I decided to try in vitro fertilization. My first attempt was with eggs generously donated by my sister. It didn’t work. So at 46, I’m trying again –this time with eggs from a 20-year old ballerina. This blog is just the little patch of internet I’ve staked out in which to tell my story.
The blog is best when read chronologically –by going back to the original, earlier posts. It makes more sense that way. But then most stories are better when you start at the beginning.
The Dancing Egg 
Wow, a 20-year-old ballerina…and Bruce’s DNA? Doesn’t matter, you’ll be terrific parents. Manny and I had our kids so early–not for hunter-gatherers or medieval peasants–but early for who we wanted to be when we grew up.
There are advantages either way. And those years, which were so hard at the time–some serious scrounging and always putting ourselves last–will always be the happiest I hope to know. And that’s not just in retrospect.
No matter how exhausted or lonely or anxious I was, I nonetheless was always wishing time would move half as fast. Big up, Caren!
just reading your article in NYT and congratulations wonderful outcome. Rabbinical position makes some sense and it certainly seems benign enough to have a ceremony of conversion for infant. However one wonders exactly what difference this should make. One does not have to disclose the ethnic or religious identity of an egg donor if it is really necessary to be this concerned about the opinions of others.
My husband is Jewish I am RC but it is quite clear from our daughter’s personality and appearance she is more related to him. We agree it is absurd in an age where paternity is easily established to persist in insisting that membership in the tribe requires the mother being Jewish. My brother’s wife is Jewish and there is no question his daughters are considered by any Orthodox rabbi in world as fully Jewish. This type of excessive legalism so commented on by Christ has played a role in his loss of religious identity.
your son is Jewish by blood and the tradition you will raise in him. Good luck.
Saw your article in New York Times and your story brought up so many feelings and thoughts from our own infertility struggle of many years. Sparked by your words I started writing a flood of emotions and memories interspersed between your sentences until interrupted by my hubby calling to say hi while on a business trip. I read him your article over the phone and emailed him what I’d written to that point. We tried the gamut of available technologies with our last stop trying at Cornell, which we knew was top of the line.
The concept of who is the “real” parent shows up through donor and adoption stories. We have some frozen embryos left yet to try and will need a gestational surrogate now. In our case I worry that a gestational surrogate could be given rights to a child, which is why I like the intent concept you mentioned in the NYT article. The intent for a surrogate or provider of donor eggs is to provide an assistance to the “real” parent. The “real” parent is the one who wanted the child and will be there to wipe the snots and tend the scraped knees with a smile. 🙂 In some cases that is the DNA provider and in some cases it is the uterus provider and other cases the Mom who did neither (adoption).
I don’t begin to understand religious notions on such matters. Our family has Catholic members who frowned on the use of IVF or nearly any medical technology. Being around fertile myrtles who didn’t even wish us luck because what we were trying was considered sinful was difficult. Religions are having to catch up to the new realities.
Congratulations on making a family.
Meg
Read your article in yesterday’s NYT. It provoked interesting discussion in my family. The main point I would stress is that the religious issue you raised is not about you. I don’t think the rabbis you quote are in any way trying to diminish you as the mother. You say, ‘ It’s that they don’t think I’m the mother of my own child.’ The issue is whether the child will be considered Jewish under Jewish law. It is not your standard that has to be satisfied, but the religion’s. The standard today in Israel is an Orthodox standard, for better or worse. If you don’t care about that, go your own way, but your decision could adversely affect your child down the road. Say he wants to be orthodox at some point, or marry any orthodox woman, or wants to make aliyah, for examples. Your decision now will affect him. I view it as a practical matter, even a technical matter. It is easier to deal with the problem now, than later. You could try to change the religion, but those are not good odds. Make a decision that is best for your child. This is not a debating contest. Don’t let your pride lead you to make a poor decision.
I am not a parent. I am Jewish, and i found the different rabbis’ technicalities to be a great big bore and silly to boot. You got some beautiful replies; I say, “Listen to them, and make up your own mind.” btw, I read ALL of your posts, and signed up for more because I delighted in your writing style! Guilty as charged: former English teacher. Sooo looking forward to reading more. Thanks for well-written, breezy, chatty, clever, funny, heart-centered stuff.
I read your article in the NY Times and found your blog. I am unable to conceive and have started researching gestational carriers. As a modern orthodox woman, I was told that in order for my child to be Jewish, I either need a Jewish unmarried gestational carrier or a non-Jew and then convert my child. Like you, I am surprised Rabbis can not come to a conclusion. They seemed to have told you that your eggs aren’t enough to pass down Judaism, but yet they tell me that my eggs implanted in someone not Jewish is also considered a non-Jew. Which one is it? As if being infertile wasn’t emotionally taxing enough. I am so frustrated.